May I have a word about... the revival of gongoozling

The Survey of English Dialects, to which my colleague Kenan Malik referred last week, will be the first update to a study first undertaken in the 1950s. The original fieldworkers recorded such splendid words as ferntickles (freckles), blatherskite (gossip) and coochy-pawed (left-handed).

I would like to add to this list gongoozlers – people who take an avid interest in the goings-on on canals. A fairly benign pastime, you would have thought, yet an article in the Hampshire Advertiser of 1907 reported a bridge “lined with curious idlers, known as ‘gongoozlers’, ready to drop stones on passing boats”.

I can’t imagine why a narrow boat should evince such animus, but gongoozlers is a delightful word, though I doubt it will gain much currency unless there’s an outbreak of rioting on the Kennet and Avon.

On the other hand, certain words and phrases recur with tiresome frequency. One such is “shovel ready”. Whether being wielded in reference to the HS2 project or the millions of hospitals and houses to be built by whichever party comes to power in the forthcoming election, said implement is trotted out. I take it to mean that everything is ready to roll, though in these instances, I have my doubts. And anyway, have you ever tried to dig a hole with a shovel? You’d be better off with a trusty spade.

Now, I much prefer candour in the world of commerce and banking. So a demerit mark to Marks & Spencer’s chief executive, Steve Rowe, when explaining his company’s 17% drop in adjusted pre-tax profits: “Let’s be clear, we underperformed because of our own execution issues.” Let’s be clear, Steve, this explains diddly-squat about M&S’s plummeting performance and unless you revert to speaking in English, I shall unloose a gongoozler on you.

Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist

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